Morning Light

I wish there was one specific thing that could fix all of our problems. I wish there was food for all the starving children in Africa. I wish music meant more to people like it means to me. I wish we had more time in life than what we are given. I wish darkness didn't exist. I wish someone understood me. I want an answer. I want to save lives. I want to show who I am through music. I want to appreciate the time I have left. I want light to penetrate darkness. I want one person, just one to say "I know how you feel". Truth is, answers aren't just given. Answers are earned. Truth is, saving lives takes strength. Which clearly, I don't have. Truth is, music can't be forcefully understood, it must be heard, and by that I mean truly heard. Which probably still makes no sense. Truth is, light is only as strong as you believe it to be. If deemed useless, then useless it will be. Truth is, I don't even know how I feel. I've done nothing but hide. Hide everything that truly bothers me the most. Things like my fears, my pet peeves, my heartache, my hatred, my depression. I do nothing but put a smile on my face to show the people around me that I'm "ok", because I hate it when people worry about me. Because I hate being the center of attention. I don't like being asked "What's wrong". I don't like being asked "are you ok?" I don't know why, but it's so frustrating because most of the time I'm okay, because everyone is always okay. It's just mind over matter in my eyes. But as much as I say that I don't like being cared for, I want nothing but to be cared for. I'm not saying no one cares about me or anything like that. I mean, I want someone to know exactly what I am going through just automatically without me having to explain because it hurts too much. But then again, that's completely impossible because no one can read minds. So, I'm pretty much hoping for the inevitable. I'm just running in this loop over and over again, and I can't seem to find the straight path. Why can't answers just be there, right in front of my face for once? I'm scared, so so scared I'm never going to figure out this life thing. I feel like I'm doing it completely wrong. I let people walk over me, I have no self-esteem, I am a terrible listener, I make the same mistakes consistently, I hide a lot of who I am from the world because I am afraid of not being accepted. I guess that's pretty much the definition of being human. We all have our obstacles. And mine aren't any tougher than anyone else's. I just feel different, different than everyone else. Like, I see things differently. I view choices that I make in a different way than everybody else. Which so far, has done nothing but hurt me. But it's who I am. I can't just change who I am to please the people around me. Isn't that what we were taught not to do? I want so badly to share my scars with the people that deserve to hear about them. But it's just so hard explaining the horrific things I have seen. I feel like everyone will just think I am crazy. I almost think all of the issues with my eyes is the reason why I see things so differently. I hope someday someone will see things through my eyes. Maybe someday some random stranger will approach me and just completely blow my mind. I can't wait for that day. I know it's going to happen, I am just impatient. It may not even be a person that has the answer. It may be an object, or a book, or a song. I don't really know. But my answers are all out there, somewhere. All of them. Hopefully..

Challenge #5: Conquering My Thoughts

It's black. It's an animal. Green Eyes. Panting around my room like a lost puppy. Then as it turns and looks at me getting ready to attack me, I wake up. Crying. Shaking. Swearing that that really happened. But what was it really? A hallucination? A dream? Or was this black figure truly in my room? I fight this supposed "dream" almost every single night, but every time I try to talk to anyone about it. I get a "what the heck? are you crazy look." This causes me to shut out from the world. Lose interest in talking to anyone about my feelings. Ever. But I know this is a problem, because the only way to keep a friendship/relationship going with someone, you have to open up to them. You can't just hide for them rest of your life. But for some reason no matter how hard I really want to. My body, my brain, every single muscle in my body, fights it. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being judged. So how exactly do I conquer my thoughts? Is it even possible? Or is that mental state of being rejected always going to live with me just because of the way I am. I don't really know. The only thing I know is that,

I want to fix me. I'm trying so hard. But I don't seem to be good enough for anyone.

I'm extremely lost and confused. Advice?

Challenge #4: My Self Esteem

Poor self image is like looking at yourself in a carnival mirror where your weaknesses and faults are exaggerated but your strengths and qualities are invisible. Unfortunately, this is how I feel every minute of every single day. But how do I fix it? I am too afraid to take any risks because I am afraid that I am going to fail. But in reality, who cares if I fail. I guess I do. I don't ever feel beautiful even though people tell me I am every single day. I feel like I should be 50 pounds lighter even though I am already on the verge of anorexia. But the problem is, I am beautiful, I am skinny. I am everything that I say I am not. But I am too afraid to actually face new challenges, afraid to face something new. Which ends up resulting in my inability to achieve anything, or grow, or even live. I just wish that I could look in the mirror and say that I am beautiful and for once, just once actually mean it.

It's going to be today. I promise you.

Challenge #3: Conquering Love

It's been months since the last time I said 'I love you' to someone. But today, I learned to love again. I learned to not be afraid of taking chances, I learned to believe in someone new. I learned to trust something that I thought I would never trust again. I still am not sure if I can trust love 100%, because what I've learned in the past, love betrays you throws you on the ground and then leaves you there. alone. But for some reason this time, I feel something different, something that wasn't there before. And for that I say thank you. Thank you for showing me what I've been missing out on. Thank you for showing me that I belong somewhere in this world, with someone in this world. And thank you most of all,

for loving me.

Challenge #2: Conquering Dependence

So apparently I depend on other people more than I depend on myself. I'm not sure why I do this but it seems to be the only thing that I can pinpoint about myself without getting majorly confused. I depend on:

My Best Friends Keara and Amanda, I don't think I could get through my day without them. They are the closest thing I have to sanity.

My Music, I don't think it would be possible for me to go one day without music. I rely on music than I rely on food.

My Family, even though I don't get along with them half the time. They are still my family and without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I have so many more things that I depend on, on a daily basis. But a lot of the time, I don't give any of them credit because I am blocked, for some reason. Blocked from who really loves me and cares about me. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and undo all the mistakes that I have made, but even though a person may wish something like that. You're choices can't be undone. Only your choices for the future are what truly make the difference. Maybe I need to start depending on myself more. Maybe I need to start believing in myself more. Maybe then, I will learn to get through at least one day on my own, without depending on everyone else to get through the day for me. I am going to challenge myself. Wish me luck.

Conquering Fears

I'm not usually a fearful person, but recently, I've faced new challenges. These new challenges have not only caused absolute insanity, but absolute fear. Simple fears such as having to walk into a cafeteria full of at least 200 people at lunch, completely and undeniably alone. It shouldn't be a big deal, people do it every second of everyday. But it most definetly is. But after thinking about it, it's more than that. It's more than a fear of walking into public rooms alone, it's a fear of a judgmental society. To just think of every one of those people are staring at me wondering why I look so distraught, so out of place, so clueless to the regularity that they call lunch. Wondering why I look the way I do, not accepting me for who I am. This is but a daily struggle. But someday, you have to conquer the hardest of fears, the hardest of phobias,

But how?

How does one conquer such a confusing fear that most people wouldn't even understand? Most people probably think I'm crazy, is it weird that I find society overwhelming? Does everyone find society overwhelming? Or is it just the normality of everyday's routine that doesn't make our whole world spin into absolute destruction. But why am I being destroyed then? Why can't I just be normal like everybody else? But why is it that every time I try to conquer this fear of societies empowerment over myself, I go into shock. Shaking non-stop, absolutely scared that I'll be the last person on this earth, only because of my knowledge of the complete non-normal idea of society. How do I save them? How do I save myself from spinning into complete and utter destruction?

So, this fear hasn't killed me yet. I have no choice but to fight. I can't give up. I will conquer my fears. No more suffering, no more pain. Never again.

I will be indestructible.

Want or Need

I want happiness,
I want peace,
I want laughter,
I want love,
I want understanding,
I want patience,
I want beauty,
I want memories,
I want change,
I want forgiveness,
I want to be fearless,
I want all these things,
but I need,
you.

"I don't know you, but I want you. Words fall through me, always fooling me with games that never amount to what their actually meant."

I mean, I think I want you. You're perfect, but I ask myself why I keep making you suffer by waiting for something that I'm afraid won't ever come around. All because of one thing, fear. Fear empowers the average human, empowers their judgement, their will, their attitude, their choices. Fear causes dumb choices, and that's why I'm moving slowly. So that I can win fear. And I will win.

Someday.

But believe me when I say, I want you, I need you, you're perfect for me. I'm perfect for you. I know you may be asking, "then what's the problem?". And trust me, I'm asking myself the same thing. I feel something is right, I do. I really truly do. I have always fought this battle. This battle of fear. But I recently discovered a new battle.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness which is hard to give to someone who broke my heart. To someone who is less than deserving. But for some reason, I want to forgive. I want to be okay with it. I want to forget the mistakes, but not the love. But that's the thing, I NEED to forget both the mistakes and the love. Because no matter how hard I try to believe it's still there, it's not. I'm sorry I've been so shady and confusing when you have been so open and caring to me. But I'm good now. You have my complete and full attention, because

I want you,
I need you,

only you.

Love,
Kelsey Ann