finding myself again

I am determined.

I am determined to find who I am really am on the inside again. I will rise and be the person God brought me on this Earth to be. I will make my father proud. I will make the lord proud of me. I have realized something that I should have realized a long time ago. I lost who I am deep inside. I decided that I wanted to become this person that I knew wasn't me, but Im not letting that happen any longer. I love dance. I love swimming. I love writing. I love my life and everyone in it. I am determined to change.

Love always,

Kels

P.S. I love you dad and I want to continue sharing amazing memories like the ones in this picture above. I will always be your little boo boo bear no matter what! <3

Beyond Normal

What is Normality?

I lie in bed as the darkness embellishes and feeds at my soul, as society surrounds me with this conception of "normality". We are forced to spit out a dictionary definition for everything. Some things are so fragile, they just can't be textbook defined. Society relies on these resources and their minds are tricked. We are given this concrete sense of normality, but really there is no concrete example. No one is normal, no one is the same, everyone is different. But we are left with this unanswered definition that we think was answered, but it wasnt. No matter how much you "google" it, no matter how long you think about it, there is no such thing as someone being normal or not. Our mind makes us think that there is something normal out there because we always base things off of something more simple. But really we are all complicated and all have things going on with their lives. Even though it may not be the same things, doesn't mean that someone is more normal or less normal than someone else.

And still, the definition of normality is unanswered

Lost and Insecure

"I never knew that everything was falling, that everyone i knew was waiting on a que to turn and run when all i need was the truth..."(Over my Head by The Fray)

Happiness is the thing everyone struggles most for in life. It causes people greed, selfishness, uncaring towards others, oblivious, and most of all tobecome a liar. Why can't everyone just tell the truth ALL the time? What good does it do to lie? Nothing, it does nothing but hurt the others around you. How in the world can someone gain happiness from such depressing choices..??

Its....IMPOSSIBLE.

Telling the truth is always the path to happiness, it makes you happy and the other person somewhat happy that you told the truth even though it may not be a happy truth. The truth hurts but I think anyone would rather hear the truth than a bunch of lies anyday. So why can't everyone just do that? why?? Is it really that difficult? I can answer that question. No it isnt. Society needs to stop lying to its world. Its going to tear humanity apart someday, and its going to start today if people don't start changing.

<3 kels

Maybe, its because im crazy

Maybe its because im crazy.... maybe it's because i can't honestly tell you what i want...
Am i no good for you now??
I feel like we are spilling over...that we are falling apart.
I feel like a fiction in your arms.
I feel pain through the bulletproof vest. It seeped through the rough edges of my soul.
My soul overpowers life. It overpowers my actions, the words i speak, love i feel, pain i ache.
There is no peace. Words are mostly noises that goes with voices. words in my memory are like music to me. i pray that something...anything will pick me up off this cold ground.

As i once told someone who I cared and still do care about very much...
"When I look at you, I see forgiveness, I see the truth, I see inspiration, I see a beautiful melody waiting to be heard. You love me for who i am, like the stars hold the moon. Your the one person that I can look at and know that your the one for me. You stand out from the crowd. You shine brighter than anyone else that I know. You appeared just like a dream to me. And thats when i knew that you were the one for me and that I loved you." .... Until you stabbed me in the back...

The truth is that he did appear like a dream to me. Dreams aren't real, they aren't realistic. There fiction. Love isn't real. It's fake. We are fooled. Its a dream that you come up with that is only halfway true.

maybe im crazy...just maybe....or maybe i make some sense. idk.

morally confused...
<3 kels

I love love my best friend!

Keara Jaelyn Soller,
I love you. You are the most amazing best friend anyone in this world could ask for. I don't know how anyone could not appreciate your good thoughts and deeds that you have towards other people. You always want the best for everyone and that is a wonderful quality that you have. There are so many more good things that I could say about you.

I am who i am and i have no problem with that.

So I sit here and think for like ever on what to write to the point where my head starts hurting. I mean so what, who cares about a stupid blog why would I want to waste so much time on this? I have no clue. Im very different than the average teenager. I don't like going to huge high school parties, don't like dances, and shopping isn't my favorite thing in the world to do. I have eye problems, very clumsy, and just a weirdo. But guess what?! I don't care. I don't care what other people think about me. I don't care if they think I'm wierd that I don't like going to parties and stuff. I have two toes stuck together, I was born with it. I have the choice of getting them separated, but I think that it's good to have something unique about myself that no one else has. There is always a demand in the *girl* teenager world on who has the cutest shoes, cutest outfit, cutest purse, cutest hair. I could go on forever. We always judge each other on how we look and I think that is absolutley rediculous. You know why? Because the only reason why people judge people is because they are not happy with themselves. They are jealous of that person that they are judging because they wish they looked as pretty or as cute as her. But you know what, I don't care if someone thinks i'm ugly, or if they think i'm not cool, because guess what??

I LOVE EXACTLY THE WAY I AM!

Thinking about him.

Everyone experiences a time in their life when you feel that you might be in love with someone. You can't sleep at night, you can't stop thinking about him, you just can't function right. What happens when he lives 200 miles away? You are stuck with deciding whether or you are happy or not. You are thinking that it would be best to break up with him but then you realize how much you like him and you can't live with out him. You can't go a day without talking to him. If you do, you are worried that something happened to him. You don't know what to do but just sit and wait for a phone call. So you stay up all night long waiting for that phone call and you never get one. Now what? Exactly. You don't know. You think you love this person but what if he lies to you? What if he tells you things that he's in but he's not really? Do you still love him? You don't know. But you are still stuck with the same problem...you just can't stop thinking about him. So does that mean you love him?

<3, Kels