Morning Light

I wish there was one specific thing that could fix all of our problems. I wish there was food for all the starving children in Africa. I wish music meant more to people like it means to me. I wish we had more time in life than what we are given. I wish darkness didn't exist. I wish someone understood me. I want an answer. I want to save lives. I want to show who I am through music. I want to appreciate the time I have left. I want light to penetrate darkness. I want one person, just one to say "I know how you feel". Truth is, answers aren't just given. Answers are earned. Truth is, saving lives takes strength. Which clearly, I don't have. Truth is, music can't be forcefully understood, it must be heard, and by that I mean truly heard. Which probably still makes no sense. Truth is, light is only as strong as you believe it to be. If deemed useless, then useless it will be. Truth is, I don't even know how I feel. I've done nothing but hide. Hide everything that truly bothers me the most. Things like my fears, my pet peeves, my heartache, my hatred, my depression. I do nothing but put a smile on my face to show the people around me that I'm "ok", because I hate it when people worry about me. Because I hate being the center of attention. I don't like being asked "What's wrong". I don't like being asked "are you ok?" I don't know why, but it's so frustrating because most of the time I'm okay, because everyone is always okay. It's just mind over matter in my eyes. But as much as I say that I don't like being cared for, I want nothing but to be cared for. I'm not saying no one cares about me or anything like that. I mean, I want someone to know exactly what I am going through just automatically without me having to explain because it hurts too much. But then again, that's completely impossible because no one can read minds. So, I'm pretty much hoping for the inevitable. I'm just running in this loop over and over again, and I can't seem to find the straight path. Why can't answers just be there, right in front of my face for once? I'm scared, so so scared I'm never going to figure out this life thing. I feel like I'm doing it completely wrong. I let people walk over me, I have no self-esteem, I am a terrible listener, I make the same mistakes consistently, I hide a lot of who I am from the world because I am afraid of not being accepted. I guess that's pretty much the definition of being human. We all have our obstacles. And mine aren't any tougher than anyone else's. I just feel different, different than everyone else. Like, I see things differently. I view choices that I make in a different way than everybody else. Which so far, has done nothing but hurt me. But it's who I am. I can't just change who I am to please the people around me. Isn't that what we were taught not to do? I want so badly to share my scars with the people that deserve to hear about them. But it's just so hard explaining the horrific things I have seen. I feel like everyone will just think I am crazy. I almost think all of the issues with my eyes is the reason why I see things so differently. I hope someday someone will see things through my eyes. Maybe someday some random stranger will approach me and just completely blow my mind. I can't wait for that day. I know it's going to happen, I am just impatient. It may not even be a person that has the answer. It may be an object, or a book, or a song. I don't really know. But my answers are all out there, somewhere. All of them. Hopefully..