Challenge #5: Conquering My Thoughts

It's black. It's an animal. Green Eyes. Panting around my room like a lost puppy. Then as it turns and looks at me getting ready to attack me, I wake up. Crying. Shaking. Swearing that that really happened. But what was it really? A hallucination? A dream? Or was this black figure truly in my room? I fight this supposed "dream" almost every single night, but every time I try to talk to anyone about it. I get a "what the heck? are you crazy look." This causes me to shut out from the world. Lose interest in talking to anyone about my feelings. Ever. But I know this is a problem, because the only way to keep a friendship/relationship going with someone, you have to open up to them. You can't just hide for them rest of your life. But for some reason no matter how hard I really want to. My body, my brain, every single muscle in my body, fights it. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being judged. So how exactly do I conquer my thoughts? Is it even possible? Or is that mental state of being rejected always going to live with me just because of the way I am. I don't really know. The only thing I know is that,

I want to fix me. I'm trying so hard. But I don't seem to be good enough for anyone.

I'm extremely lost and confused. Advice?

Challenge #4: My Self Esteem

Poor self image is like looking at yourself in a carnival mirror where your weaknesses and faults are exaggerated but your strengths and qualities are invisible. Unfortunately, this is how I feel every minute of every single day. But how do I fix it? I am too afraid to take any risks because I am afraid that I am going to fail. But in reality, who cares if I fail. I guess I do. I don't ever feel beautiful even though people tell me I am every single day. I feel like I should be 50 pounds lighter even though I am already on the verge of anorexia. But the problem is, I am beautiful, I am skinny. I am everything that I say I am not. But I am too afraid to actually face new challenges, afraid to face something new. Which ends up resulting in my inability to achieve anything, or grow, or even live. I just wish that I could look in the mirror and say that I am beautiful and for once, just once actually mean it.

It's going to be today. I promise you.

Challenge #3: Conquering Love

It's been months since the last time I said 'I love you' to someone. But today, I learned to love again. I learned to not be afraid of taking chances, I learned to believe in someone new. I learned to trust something that I thought I would never trust again. I still am not sure if I can trust love 100%, because what I've learned in the past, love betrays you throws you on the ground and then leaves you there. alone. But for some reason this time, I feel something different, something that wasn't there before. And for that I say thank you. Thank you for showing me what I've been missing out on. Thank you for showing me that I belong somewhere in this world, with someone in this world. And thank you most of all,

for loving me.

Challenge #2: Conquering Dependence

So apparently I depend on other people more than I depend on myself. I'm not sure why I do this but it seems to be the only thing that I can pinpoint about myself without getting majorly confused. I depend on:

My Best Friends Keara and Amanda, I don't think I could get through my day without them. They are the closest thing I have to sanity.

My Music, I don't think it would be possible for me to go one day without music. I rely on music than I rely on food.

My Family, even though I don't get along with them half the time. They are still my family and without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I have so many more things that I depend on, on a daily basis. But a lot of the time, I don't give any of them credit because I am blocked, for some reason. Blocked from who really loves me and cares about me. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and undo all the mistakes that I have made, but even though a person may wish something like that. You're choices can't be undone. Only your choices for the future are what truly make the difference. Maybe I need to start depending on myself more. Maybe I need to start believing in myself more. Maybe then, I will learn to get through at least one day on my own, without depending on everyone else to get through the day for me. I am going to challenge myself. Wish me luck.

Conquering Fears

I'm not usually a fearful person, but recently, I've faced new challenges. These new challenges have not only caused absolute insanity, but absolute fear. Simple fears such as having to walk into a cafeteria full of at least 200 people at lunch, completely and undeniably alone. It shouldn't be a big deal, people do it every second of everyday. But it most definetly is. But after thinking about it, it's more than that. It's more than a fear of walking into public rooms alone, it's a fear of a judgmental society. To just think of every one of those people are staring at me wondering why I look so distraught, so out of place, so clueless to the regularity that they call lunch. Wondering why I look the way I do, not accepting me for who I am. This is but a daily struggle. But someday, you have to conquer the hardest of fears, the hardest of phobias,

But how?

How does one conquer such a confusing fear that most people wouldn't even understand? Most people probably think I'm crazy, is it weird that I find society overwhelming? Does everyone find society overwhelming? Or is it just the normality of everyday's routine that doesn't make our whole world spin into absolute destruction. But why am I being destroyed then? Why can't I just be normal like everybody else? But why is it that every time I try to conquer this fear of societies empowerment over myself, I go into shock. Shaking non-stop, absolutely scared that I'll be the last person on this earth, only because of my knowledge of the complete non-normal idea of society. How do I save them? How do I save myself from spinning into complete and utter destruction?

So, this fear hasn't killed me yet. I have no choice but to fight. I can't give up. I will conquer my fears. No more suffering, no more pain. Never again.

I will be indestructible.